Solidifying Thoughts
by WeasleySeeker
Summary: Lily Evans finds it weird to be writing a diary at the age of seventeen, but finds it oddly comforting as she tries to puzzle out some unfamiliar emotions.


Dear Diary,

Wow, it's been a while. I don't think I've written a diary since I was about seven. It's weird to be coming back to it ten years later. I don't even know if I'm doing it right. Isn't it sort of amateurish to begin with 'Dear Diary'? I feel like I'm a little kid again. But I guess nobody's exactly going to be reading this, are they? I hope not, anyway; that's why I'm doing this in the first place. All these feelings are just getting too much for me, and I need to let them out to someone who can't judge me. Someone imaginary will do just fine. And I think it'll be kind of comforting to put my thoughts down on paper, to solidify them, I guess.

So here goes. I used to hate him. But now... I think I love him.

I'm talking about James, of course. I just don't understand why I feel like this. Everything about him used to anger me - his arrogant strut, the way he messes up his hair deliberately to try and look cool, his smart arse remarks. And him asking me out every other day didn't really help. I mean, does he not understand the meaning of 'no'? But now he's stopped that, and he seems to have grown up a whole lot over the summer. And if he asked me again, I'm not sure how easily the 'no' would come. I'm not sure how I would react. Now that he's stopped harassing me and also stopped most of his general dickish behaviour, the other things don't get to me nearly as much. They're just a part of him, really. I guess sometimes I even find them sort of... endearing. But then there are all sorts of reasons why I should say no.

The main one - Severus. I know, I know, what's the matter with me? He doesn't deserve my consideration after how he's treated me. That's what Mary and Alice would say. But that's why I'm writing this down. Every time I think about James, the guilt about Severus is there. Sev was my best friend, my first link to the Wizarding world, part of my identity. And James made his life hell. Well he sort of deserves it now, but before, James just picked on him for absolutely no reason. And if there's one thing I hate, it's people who mercilessly victimise those less fortunate than themselves.

But then I guess that's what Sev is turning into, isn't it? I've seen him with the Death Eater crowd. They don't exactly advertise it, but that's clearly what they'll end up being, and when I confronted him, Severus didn't even deny it. Pain stabs at me every time I see him. Do all our years of friendship mean nothing to him? I know he gives out all that crap about how he still cares about me, but he needs to get back in touch with reality. I'm Muggle-born. I'm just the same as those people they attack and murder. He shouldn't have a different attitude to me just because he knows me personally. And that's why I'm never going to forgive him.

I guess I shouldn't let Severus hold me back. James is much better than he used to be. And if I believe Alice, James has changed his ways for me. I don't really know what else is holding me back other than my pride.

I feel like a horrible person for that reason. Pride. Isn't that meant to be a Slytherin thing? But it's true. I feel it. Over the years, I've always prided myself on being the person who can resist James Potter's (and any other boy's) charms, even though they're directed at me. I don't want to give in to them, simply because I don't want to change my image. I used to secretly laugh at those girls who became helpless, turned to mush in front of guys. But I have a feeling that I'm becoming one of them. Last night on Head Prefect duty, he had a whole conversation with me and I didn't take any of it in, simply because I was staring at his eyes. He has beautiful eyes.

I've never admitted any of that to anyone before. That's what a diary's for, isn't it? It's kind of nice.

I need to get over myself and talk to him, don't I?

* * *

**A/N: This is for the "Dear Diary" Competition on HPFC; my character was (obviously) Lily Evans and my prompts were "curtain" and "What's the matter with me?" This is completely different from the sort of thing I usually write, so I decided to give it a shot. It's also my first time writing Lily, so I'd love feedback!**

**Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling.**


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